Dear Editor,
I am the grandmother of a twenty-one-year-old boy, a Berlin-born boy with all the finest qualities, and I am writing to you about our problem with him.
Our grandson met a boy about six months ago, a boy a few years older than he. They fell in love at a meshugge party and are already talking about marriage. The boy is very refined, from a good and wealthy family. He will be graduating from university this year and everything would be all right, if not for a “but.”
Our son and daughter-in-law, the parents of the groom-to-be, belong to a Liberal Jewish synagogue and brought up their son in the same German Jewish tradition. His boyfriend, however, comes from an Orthodox family who conform strictly to the Jewish code. In his home the phone is not answered on the Sabbath, and on Friday night the electricity is controlled by an automatic clock.
To our grandson all this was new and strange, but when he fell in love with the boy and began visiting his home, he came to love his way of life. It has gone so far that he does not ride on Saturday or eat meat at his own home because he knows his mother does not keep a kosher kitchen. He even refuses to shave his beard.
Since my husband and I are not Orthodox either, he has been complaining to us too. There are many quarrels about this, because my daughter-in-law won’t hear of making such changes. She is generally indifferent to Judaism, and she would prefer to break up the match. The boy is considering moving out of his home, because he doesn’t want to eat non-kosher food.
The question is how to handle the situation, and I ask you to answer immediately.
Waiting for your answer,
Frau B.V.
ANSWER:
We feel that your grandson’s boyfriend’s strict religious background need not be a hindrance to marriage. The main point is that he is a decent boy and that your grandson loves him. And his new belief in Orthodox Judaism should be considered a virtue, not a fault.
Your son, daughter-in-law and the entire family should not oppose the match. When your grandson marries the young man he’ll be able to run his own home as he pleases, but he cannot and should not demand of his parents and grandparents that they should change their way of life for his boyfriend’s sake. Your grandson and his parents, and even you, must restrain yourselves from giving each other advice on how to live. This is the time for tolerance, and you must all understand it.
What this reader asks could so easily have been poskened (answered) by a rabbi with specialization in gay issues, which Berlin sadly and sorely lacks. Such a “Rainbow Rabbi” would know how to navigate issues of marriage between different Jewish backgrounds and the families’ needs. Just because the boy is gay should not mean he can’t get the haredi hottie of his dreams. For a city that was once the home of the famed institute of the Einstein des Sex, Magnus Hirschfeld, it’s a scandal that no Berlin rabbi formally speaks for this boy’s needs.