Deutscheleute im Wanderurlaub (Germans on Hiking Trips)

Co-written with Erwin M. Schmidt.

The German hiker is a special breed. Below are some key indicators for spotting the species in their natural habitat. If 3 out of the 5 descriptions below apply, chances are that you’ve spotted a German hiker!

1. They wear lots of gear. Not just any gear: top-of-the-line, high-tech, billion-dollar gear. They are ready for the woods the way NASA astronauts are ready for space. Favored colors are anthracite (for men) and plum (for women).
2. They prepare intensely for their day hikes. They consult numerous maps, guides, weather reports, and local recommendations (which they immediately dismiss, and return to consulting their maps).
3. They carry a lot of equipment. Their trekking poles often feature shock-absorbing suspension, ergonomic handgrips, and advanced telescoping abilities, designed by the guys who invented Inspector Gadget’s arms; and small spears at the end of the poles to kill small animals or poke their hiking partners if they’re too slow.
4. They say things like “Super!” and “Mann-oh-Mann” and then repeat, “Echt super” at the summit.
5. After the hike, they scrutinize one another at the hotel restaurant and try to assess who went on a harder hike. Later that night, at the bar, loosened up by a few beers, they brag outright about how far they went, how dangerous it was, how quickly the weather turned badly on them, and how the hikes in this area are nothing compared to what they faced in Annapurna, back in ‘78.

Further guides in this series: Deutscheleute am Strand (Germans at the Beach); Deutscheleute im Zug (Germans on the Train) and Deutscheleute und Weihnachten (Germans and Christmas).