Why is it that so many people have problems in saying what they don’t like about their friends. Giving a feedback. Maybe this is a cultural thing. I know from my muslim and turkish friends and from my asian relatives that you don’t face people with critics directly [more]
Why is it that so many people have problems in saying what they don’t like about their friends. Giving a feedback. Maybe this is a cultural thing. I know from my muslim and turkish friends and from my asian relatives that you don’t face people with critics directly because this might lead to lose their face. Or that might undermine their position in an hierarchy, such as an oncle or a father. You respect older people where I come from even if they say things you don’t like. When it comes to same aged persons such as friends I somehow became more diplomatic after the age of 20. When I was a teenager I loved to hang out on the phone at night talking with my friends about this and that hours for hours. And we of course shared our dreams, our worries and lovesickness and also talked about our friendship. I don’t know why but this stopped after then. I don’t criticize my friends that harsh today. Honestly, I don’t have so many close friends. Possibly three or four persons. And some of them have chosen ways that I am not hundered percent sure if this is a way I would also like to go. There is a photographer, who is now very into fashion shootings. I miss our talks when we were 21 and dreamt about a career as a whatever: rapper superstar, Photographer, Webdesigner, Eventmanager, Comic Artist and so on. And we dreamt about earning enough money to pay an own apartment in Kreuzberg. I used to live in Wedding at that time. We wanted to show the world that we exist and can make awesome things happen. Today we both earn enough money, he became a successful photographer, is jetsetting all the time from jamaica to bangkok to Johannesburg and so on. I today work in a kind of agency where you find the best Designers, advertisers, brand managers and architects and from time to time I write rap verses for a spot or draw a comic which today goes by the name of “Visual Recording”.
There is another guy, I grew up with. He never finished his studies in university on laws. He became a successful eventmanager in Berlin and drives a Mercedes. We used to make music in a rap band. We sang songs against racism, when we were 14 years old. And there is this girl, she helped us out at our live gigs and made the background dancing performances. She was a dancer. With strong madonna like arms. She studied medicine and works as a pediatrician in Austria. We used to sit in the car and talked hours and hours about finding the true love and what it would feel like to found a family and so on. We imagined how it would be to stand on our own feet. We would live a life that our parents , who were all immigrants, have never dared to dream of. Buying a house, never ever having money problems anymore. Sending our parents to vacation. She bought a city apartment for her parents a few years ago. And I have financed my fathers trips to China and it made me proud.
We have somehow touched our dreams and at the same time we have lost them. Sometimes I feel the need to tell them about that. What a waste of creativity and time. Making pictures for an clothes brand, hanging out with models in hotels. Making Partys for pubertying teenagers, that drink too much. Sitting in a practice all day long and handing out pills to children. Spending my time on getty images (where you find faceless faces, emotionless emotions and unnatural nature pictures to wrap advertising messages that say nothing).
What about changing the world? The only thing we change is our money account and our Vita Curriculum.
I never said something negative to the career of my friends and will never do.
Yesterday I did it. I gave a feedback.
I am working in a team now in which we develop a new private university. And we brainstormed about ideas. And he really got on my nerves, because he was doubting almost everything, which came out of my mouth. Let’s lift up the conference table and put aside chairs, so we can work standing, moving. This was my idea. His reaction: well, isn’t this too much wasted effort? Let’s build the floor plan while brainstorming so we not just talk but also do something creative with our hands. This was my idea. His reaction: Well, but does this leads us effectively to an idea? Let’s make our brainstorming not in our office but in a student café in an university so we feel the spirit! This was my idea. His reaction: Well, but isn’t this a waste of time, and I really need to be available here…
I hate this. It blocks my thoughts. It builds barriers in my head.
If he was an ordinary coworker I would just think: Fuck it. It’s just a job. And he is an uncreative coworker.
But the problem is: He is actually the closest friend who is around me in my everyday life.
So after the second brainstorming round I decided to give him a feedback.
Giving feedback is not easy. I know that people do not listen to you if you immediately come up with critics. That’s why you should always begin with the positive aspects. And never say general things like: You always do this and that or I am not the only one who is complaining about this or everybody knows that you always make things like this or that…
Speak just for yourself not for a group. Don’t say we or “Man” in german. Don’t speak in the third person, be the first person. This is what I call “I”-message. “You”-messages mostly sound like accusations. and accusation is a declaration of war.
These are the rules for giving feedback. But there are also rules for receiving feedback.
There is just one rule: Shut the fuck up! Don’t say anything as long as your dialogue partner asks you a question. Never start to discuss! And the worst thing you can do is: Shoot back with a “You”-message.
If you don’t like the feedback, ignore it. If you can work with it, save it and reflect on it later in a less emotional mood.
This is how I use feedbacks for my personal enrichment and believe it or not: It is like a free coaching and it doesn’t take extra time to get trained. I usually ask for feedback after each workshop I make or lecture I gave. If you ask for feedback there is no space for vanity. Put your ego aside. Receiving feedback hurts mostly, but it helps you to improve yourself.
I told him that I found it so vivid when he once performed at a brainstorming session without doubting and only motivating phrases. That was so constructive.
I feel restricted when each of my ideas got critizised. How did he reacted? With a “you” message: You must involve us more.
Normally I ignore You-messages in feedback rounds because I know that often they are just said affectively for defense. But I decided to take this serious: Maybe he is right: I should involve people more to let them be part of my thoughts.
Later I told him that it feels annoying to give feedbacks. Now we have this uncomfortable silence when we enter the lift. When we later ride the bike along the Maybach Ufer I told him that I don’t feel comfortable with this situation between us. I just want to make sure that normally under ordinary coworkers, I wouldn’t say a thing. I would just ignore it. Because it doesn’t mean the world to me what they say. But you are my friend. And I felt the necessity to tell him. Because he means something to me. Because we are friends. We hugged and I once more understood the importance of feedbacking. And maybe one day. I will feedback my lost teenage friends. Possibly we will never get back our past dreams. But maybe we can get back the spirit of our friendhip from the early times.