Now that Yona Metzger was arrested today, there’s really no leadership of the Ashkenazi (German) Jews both in Israel and around the world. Yes, I know Rabbi David Lau took over the position of Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi of Israel when the Metzger scandal first erupted over the summer and he had to step down. But then Lau called African-American basketball players the offensive term “kushim” (did he want to say shvartse and then, in a panic, decided to say something that seemed biblical?) and now nothing seems legitimate anymore.
I am not a fan of bribes and money laundering and I really don’t have a horse in this game of whether or not Metzger is guilty. But I don’t think this thing is a Schande, folks, because now that the Ashkenazim are without any real leadership, I guess we can all become Sephardi.
This has so many benefits:
- The food is better. I am looking forward to rice at Pesach and something spicy the rest of the year. Anything but chicken and potatoes. You know what I mean, just like that song says: “… Dinstik un mitvokh bulbes, donershtik un fraytik bulbes. Shabes in a novine a bulbe-kigele! Zuntik vayter bulbes…”
- No one ever felt comfortable after WWII saying that word, Ashkenazim because of that word contained inside of it.
- All the vowels can be pure: O will never be oy again. I can’t tell if this is good or bad. What will we say when we are vexed? “Oh!” or “Ach!” ?
- Ladino love songs are haunting and beautiful.
- We will only have to say blessings over the first and third cups of wine at the Pesach meal, not over all four. This will help us get to the final goal, total drunkenness, more quickly.
- No longer will our pasty white skin, cultivated in the Pale of Settlement, be a problem on the beaches in Tel Aviv. Fewer sunburns, less freckles. It’s a dream.
- The Rambam (aka Maimonides) sounds punchier than Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki). Rashi, the Ashkenaz, is soft-spoken and gentle as a commentator. The Rambam is more like the Sephardic Rambo of Torah commentary. And Cordoba is beautiful this time of year. Worms, less so.
- Less guilt, more gold-embroidered clothing.
Yet, turning all Ashkenazim into Sephardim also gives me a sad, as the cat memes say. For example, I will miss Yiddish. This makes me feel perplexed. I think I have a self-help book for that.