The English football season settles down now the transfer window has closed. Wenger, previously seen as petulant schoolmaster is now hailed for his acumen and prowess: “a slide-rule pass,” murmurs the commentator of Arsenal’s latest acquisition. Gareth Bale turns up in Madrid looking like a short-trousered schoolboy on his first day of term at a new boarding school, and straight away gets ragged by the bigger boys. With nearly 200 million invested in two players, the best they can manage is 2-2, plus an embarrassing photo of Bale and Ronaldo doing a clasp-handshake greeting in a car park. (MoL while not in any way reactionary asks what was wrong with the old-style handshake?) Meanwhile, José’s shrugs and asides grow wearisome though his face when Bayern stuck one past Chelsea in the last minute was a picture to behold. MoL, despite not liking too much excitement in football, makes an exception for last-minute goals. MoL says more football without celebration. MoL says cut straight to the shoot-out; well, ok, five minutes each half, no extra time, then the shoot-out, maybe blindfold. MoL says abolish offside so there’s nothing to talk about afterwards. MoL extremists argue for the removal of goalposts, to make the game more existential. No goals! Despite being gone, Ferguson’s malign presence hangs over the premiership: the ghost of seasons past. Man U’s philosophy of regime change doesn’t seem to extend beyond appointing another Scot, who at least has got the Wayne and Robin show to work. The interesting thing this season is there is no obvious winner (Everton 1 Chelsea 0). Man City all over the shop. Wayne blanks transfer questions, saying he just wants to play his football. MoL worries the hair transplant isn’t working and the headband he wears to play isn’t injury-related but some kind of mysterious follicle treatment. Tottenham fans, the self-styled “Yid army”, have been told to stop referring to themselves as that because it is racist and anti-semitic. The title is a sign of defiance, we’re told, by the club’s large Jewish following, although comedian David Baddiel (Chelsea fan, Jewish) argues that only about three or four percent of Tottenham’s fans are in fact Jewish, so the rest must be confused or just plain wrong. Football grounds exist for invective. Many years ago I took my then-10 year-old son to Chelsea where he was stunned into red-faced embarrassment by 90 minutes of the bluest language from a man sitting in the row behind. MoL suggests no more football commentary on TV, only swearing followed by expert swearing by the experts. Wit, once a crowd staple, has declined with the arrival of the bigger stadia (Arsenal, no atmosphere). Fulham fans, still crammed into their tiny ground, probably have the best humour with their: There’s only one F in Fulham (think about it). On the radio yesterday (BBC) pundits whose opinions matter were talking about what a great (BBC) presenter Simon Schama is (see previous MoL post), what a superb and intelligent writer. Maybe MoL is just too stupid to understand, but it clings to Rupert Everett’s description of Schama as “one of those peculiar fey straights, a male lesbian, more dangerous even than the lesbian herself (when riled).”