Paleness is what I am able to remember. Pale light, pale skin, pale smiles, pale feelings, pale thoughts. Feeble, hesitating light, filtered through thick, un-layered, undefined Berlin sky, Berliner Gräulichkeiten, lid of pressure. I am able to recollect it, because I had been collecting the greyness for a [more]
Paleness is what I am able to remember. Pale light, pale skin, pale smiles, pale feelings, pale thoughts. Feeble, hesitating light, filtered through thick, un-layered, undefined Berlin sky, Berliner Gräulichkeiten, lid of pressure. I am able to recollect it, because I had been collecting the greyness for a long time. We all seem to drag it along through urban canyons and through the flickering concepts in our heads until spring sun will hit us and will stir up our hormones; when wearing patches of naked skin will make us feel light and smooth and friendly. I will not wait, I will not stay cold and paralyzed, in reptilian torpor, I keep on repeating to myself, when every single morning I feel layers of my nightly dreams about Hawaii determinedly clinging to me, webbing me. It is what she does, they tell me, the Big Island will call you back. She will invite you, take you in or she will reject you. Seriously, it sounds you fell in love with a place, Feng-Mei had said to me after returning to Berlin from the island, listening to my words winding and wrapping themselves around Fernweh, wanderlust, that appeared to be Heimweh, homesickness. Almost hurting with its sharp clearness. I need to go back to the island, the sentence frequently pounding in my head, in my veins.
So I buy a plane ticket, I pack a bag, also entferne ich mich, I remove myself. Stuck, gloomy emotions in need of some motion. Emovere: moving out. I migrate. Into the west, I stop over in Los Angeles. The city is warm and rosy, although no one will confirm and they will wear their scarfs and ridiculously heavy winter boots. The mountains backing me, the flatness of the city beneath, spreading lines and quivering dots of light leaning into each other. I transfer, übersetze, past the last frontier, there are all these borders I cross: coastlines, time zones, longitudes, longings and lines inside of me, Entgrenzung, dislimitation. I will fall for the island, expanding and stretching out. Noninvasive, I pledge neutrality, do not end up like the old explorers taking over and possessing by naming what is yet undiscovered, unmapped territory with terms already laden with connotations and limitations, einfallen und besetzen; I will let the island take me over and take its place. I will gladly get displaced, Verortung, I will gladly get lost.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q14rHLvMco